Night Out #27: Beanbags and Hipsters
It was like a day at the gym. I was getting in some reps and making small incremental improvements to my overall fitness.
Welcome to The Nerd's Quest, my journey of learning how to meet and date women as a computer nerd on the autism spectrum.
This Week’s Mission
This week’s mission (a part of the course I'm taking) was about evaluation. Basically, what evaluation means in this context is the idea that I should be evaluating the girl and deciding whether or not I like her rather than blindly chasing her no matter what.
This serves dual purposes: screening for girls who I’d actually be compatible with and also making the girl work harder to win me over. If she has to work harder to win me over, she’s more likely to feel like it’s an accomplishment. She’s more likely to feel like I’m a prize worth pursuing and not just some dude who is trying to sleep with anything that moves. It’s related to the idea that people tend to value something that they had to work for more than something they were just given for free.
The mission itself had two parts two it:
Come up with five non-physical traits that you value in a girl.
Once you’re in an interaction that is going well, your job is now to find out if she meets the criteria you came up with.
We were told a mantra to remember: the goal is not to make her like you. The goal is to find out whether you like her.
Here are the five traits I came up with:
Kind-hearted
Very accepting of nerds, if not nerdy herself
Intelligent, rational, logical, okay with that kind of literal, matter-of-fact communication style
Open-minded (including sexually, but also in general), not super judgmental, especially about unimportant things
I have fun while around her, being around her is easy, it’s not hard to keep the interaction going, etc.
Night Out #27: Friday, March 25th, 2022
I went to Gold Spike again. I got in line at about 11:08 PM, a little bit later than I would have preferred. The line looked really long, but it moved surprisingly quickly and I got in at about 11:25 PM. Not bad.
I got a drink and did my usual loop of the venue to scope things out.
I passed up the first good approach opportunity I saw due to the early-in-the-night approach anxiety that I often get, but I got started with one shortly after.
I ended up doing at least ten approaches at Gold Spike, at least half of which were instant blowouts. As usual, I’ll give a description of the significant or otherwise memorable ones.
Beanbag Tossing
There was a pair of two girls hanging out over in the corner by the beanbag tossing game and the giant Lego blocks. A guy was standing a little off to the side and playing the game. I wasn’t sure if he was in their group or not.
I opened by joking about how I heard that this corner was the VIP section (I’ve used this same line for this exact same spot a bunch of times ever since I heard a girl make this joke a while back). I made sure to stand at an angle where it was clear that I was also addressing the guy as I said this, just in case he actually was a part of their group. He glanced over but just continued focusing on the game. So it was just me and the two girls talking at first.
After a little bit of back-and-forth a third girl came over and joined the conversation. I found out that they were all a part of the same group, which was made up of three girls and two guys. The third girl was really energetic, and we got into a flirty interaction pretty quickly, so I decided that I would make her the target.
At one point she playfully pushed my shoulder and said something about how she was making sure I wasn’t pushing up on her friend (one of the other two girls) who was married. I teased her about how she was (literally) the one pushing up on me. I thought the interaction was going very well. Before long she ended up asking me if I wanted to join them in playing the beanbag game, as she was trying to organize a little tournament and they currently had an odd number of players, meaning they needed another person to join them. I agreed to join in.
We played the beanbag game for a while. At one point I was paired with the target girl and we were playing together as a team, though unfortunately we didn’t talk much as we were playing. She was focused on the game, and I didn’t really know what to say other than an occasional comment about how the game was going. I don’t really understand how she organized this tournament, as part of the time it was based on playing in teams of two and part of the time it was just one-on-one.
I don’t remember the exact details of how this happened, but while I was playing one-on-one with one of the other people, the target girl ended up leaving (probably to go to the bathroom or something) and then the other people in the group decided they were done playing. I was just standing around awkwardly at this point, so I decided I would just walk a loop of the club and keep my eye out for the target girl.
Shortly thereafter I saw that she had come back to that corner, but now the group was starting to walk to a different area and other people were playing the beanbag game. I tried to re-open the interaction by commenting on the new people playing the game, and she said something about how they were done and were now going to the dance floor. I said something about how maybe I’d see her there, but she basically just ignored me and barely gave a response.
Set over.
The beanbag game is fundamentally what killed the set. It was like an obstacle that prevented my interaction with the target girl from actually going anywhere. I had made some progress with her early on in terms of getting some good flirting and rapport going, but then the distraction of the game undid all of that and derailed the set. I could have tried harder to keep up the momentum of the interaction while were playing the game, but it would have been super tough. Thing is, the way I’m imagining that, it would have come off as very try-hard if not downright desperate. It would have been hard to pull off properly.
I’ll keep this in mind going forward. I can see how playing these games with a girl could be beneficial to the interaction, but it can also be problematic, as was the case here.
My Best Set of the Night
The next noteworthy interaction was with a woman who was towards the back of the outdoor dance floor area. She was a single mom in her mid-thirties.
I don't remember exactly how I opened, but I think it was by saying something along the lines of her looking like she was having more fun than anybody else there. She was quite receptive, and it ended up turning into a fun and flirtatious interaction.
I managed to get in at least one teasing line, along with a framing line about how we were both attractive people and that the club should be glad that we were here. The framing line felt a little forced but still worked out.
At one point I accidentally introduced myself for the second time, having forgotten that we had already exchanged names, but I caught myself as I was doing it and then joked about it.
I was also able to get some evaluation into the interaction when I said something along the lines of "please don't tell me you're one of those people who hates nerds" after mentioning that I was a computer nerd. I think it was after I told her that I write code for a living. She denied hating nerds and started qualifying herself by telling me about how her son is a huge nerd and whatnot. That’s good! That’s the reaction that I was hoping for.
The set came to an end when she said she was going to go hang out with her friends again, but first she initiated the number close and we exchanged phone numbers. I felt pretty good about how I handled this interaction.
Pussyblocking?
There were three girls playing with the interactive lights inside. Two were off to one side, and one was kind of off by herself on the other side. I wasn't sure if they were all together in the same group.
I approached the one who was by herself and asked what she was making. I was not really physically attracted to her, but it was a good opportunity and so I gave it a shot. We bantered back and forth a little about how she was destroying the artwork that was there previously. She hadn't seen it, and so I started describing what it was.
The other two girls must've been friends with the girl I was talking to, because after a few moments one them tried to put their arm around her and guide her away as they walked away, but she actually broke free and kept talking to me. She seemed very eager to continue the interaction, like unusually so given that we hadn’t even done any real flirting or anything yet.
We briefly continued the conversation but didn't get off the topic of the artwork. Before I had a chance to pivot to something else, yet another female friend showed up, apparently just back from the bathroom, and this third friend took the girl away for real this time. It seemed like she still wanted to continue the conversation but didn’t know how convey that to her friend.
It was kind of a shame that the interaction ended so prematurely given how eager she had been to keep talking to me. I have a hunch about what happened and why.
I hate to have to put it this way, but I think it is important to mention a few details in order for this to all make sense. Her friends were all quite physically attractive, significantly more so than she was. I think the reason she was so eager to keep talking to me was because she wasn’t getting much male attention. I don’t think her friends realized this because they all probably get loads of male attention themselves, and they don’t realize how little she receives by comparison. So by trying to drag her away, they were kind of pussyblocking her by messing up one of the few opportunities she gets.
Maybe I’m wrong about all that, there is no way for me to know for certain, but that is what my intuition tells me based on how this all went down.
Rejection is (Usually) No Big Deal
There was a girl sitting by herself at one of the tables inside. I don't remember what opener I used, but she said she was there waiting for her friend.
We talked a little, but the interaction didn’t last very long. I managed to get in a teasing line about how she had an innocent face but I could tell that she was trouble. She wasn’t reacting or engaging much, and so shortly thereafter I decided it was time to bounce.
I tried to number close before I left but she said she didn't want to give me her number. I said it was fine and wished her a goodnight.
I mention this one to give an example of an overt rejection. I could tell the set wasn’t going very well, but I figured it was worth giving the number close a try anyways. You never know what could happen, plus it’s always good to get some practice in. Sometimes a girl will simply decline to give you her number, and it’s really not a big deal. You can just be like “no problem that’s fine, have a good night” and walk away. No harm done.
Portland Hipsters Ruin Everything
I noticed a different pair of girls that I hadn’t talked to yet hanging out in the corner by the giant Lego blocks. They were trying to build a little fort out of the blocks. I opened by making that same joke about how I heard that this was the VIP section.
I thought the set went well at first. I managed to get in a few teasing lines, including the one where I say that one of the girls is the responsible one and the other is trouble. It was well-received, and I used some callback humor to refer back to this a few times as the interaction progressed. I also got in a little bit of evaluation with my “please don’t tell me you hate nerds” line.
Things seemed like they were going fine to me, but then suddenly this other girl randomly walked over and started talking to the two girls. She looked like the most stereotypical Portland hipster you could ever imagine. She said that she was going to help them build the fort.
I was sort of trying to help a little with the fort, but I don’t think I contributed much. At one point the random girl announced that she was a lesbian, not that anyone had asked. She barely acknowledged my existence and instead ended up totally distracting the two girls.
She was telling the girls stories about her ex-girlfriend and showing pictures of her ex-girlfriend’s kid on her phone to them. At this point it felt like I had become invisible, and I wasn’t sure exactly what to do. The two girls were totally preoccupied with the Portland hipster’s distractions, and I was just standing there off to the side a little. This went on for a while.
I decided that I was just going to leave the set. I waited for an opportunity for a break in the conversation the girls were having so that I could jump in and say that I was leaving, but the opportunity never came. I ended up just walking away without saying anything.
Set over. The Portland hipster totally derailed it. Oh well.
Ending the Night on Fremont Street
I ended up leaving Gold Spike at around 3:40 AM, a bit earlier than I would normally leave. I still had at least another twenty minutes before I would allow myself to go home. The club felt kind of dead, and so I figured I’d be better off spending that last chunk of time looking for approach opportunities on Fremont Street.
I ended up doing two more approaches. The first was a pair of girls who were dancing in front of some reflective glass on the outside wall of one of the casinos. I opened by making a joke about how they looked like they were having more fun than anyone else there with how they were shaking their asses or something like that. They both laughed, but then just wished me a goodnight and walked on.
The second was a different pair of girls that right off the bat didn’t want to engage, and so I quickly bounced out of that one.
I ended up roaming Fremont for a little while longer, but ultimately threw in towel at around 4:20 AM.
Final Thoughts
As I reflected back on the night, I felt a little annoyed or maybe just plain unsatisfied with how things went. This wasn’t a strong emotion. I wouldn’t even say that I was upset, but rather just a bit irked. Ultimately, I’m still okay with how things are progressing.
I am definitely getting some good practice in, there is no denying that. It was like a day at the gym. I was getting in some reps and making small incremental improvements to my overall fitness. I wasn’t out there going through the motions and pretending to do game. I was doing it for real, if that makes any sense.
On my previous Night Out (#26), I mentioned that I hadn’t done any actual verbal game, but rather I only relied on dancing as a way of making my interactions man-to-woman in nature. Thankfully, I did plenty of verbal game this time around. That’s a step back in the right direction.
My results for the night were nothing spectacular, but the set with the single mom felt like it went well, and the fact that she offered to exchange numbers must mean that I did something right. I should recognize that.
Gold Spike also felt kind of lame, which was surprising given that it was a Friday night. The gender ratio seemed like it was out of whack and more male-heavy than usual, and I didn’t see as many good approach opportunities as I would normally expect on a Friday night. On a random note, I’m pretty sure I saw the Astrology Girls from Night Out #24 again, but I didn't try to talk to them. It’s probably best if I just leave them alone given that one of them didn’t seem to be very happy with me last time.
I’m learning, I’m making progress, and that is what matters most in the long run.
Things I did well:
Getting out there and getting some good practice in.
I am getting noticeably better when it comes to conquering approach anxiety. It definitely hasn’t completely gone away, but it’s much easier to tackle than it used to be.
Doing real verbal game again and avoiding falling into purely platonic conversations.
Getting some evaluation into my sets. It wasn’t much, but I at least got some teasing in about the girls hating nerds in two of my sets.
Things to improve on:
Moving sets forward. I’ve been spending too much time treading water, so to speak, rather than progressing my sets forward.
I’d mention escalation, but I still haven’t gotten to it in my course, so it’s not entirely fair for me to blame myself for barely doing any thus far.